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My walk was the walk of a human child, but my heart was a tree.

"Whenever you see an oak-tree felled, swear now you will plant two."

3/15/20 11:06 pm - the care and feeding of marnanel

some things to know about me:

* I may be wrong and often am. If I am, I would like to know, and learn better. But...
* I hate conflict. If you are rude, aggressive, hostile, ridiculing, I'll probably not talk to you.
* I am aware that I am privileged in many ways; if I show unchecked privilege, I appreciate hearing about it and I promise to take it seriously. I expect the same from you.
* Autonomy is important. I would like to hear your stories rather than tell my own. But if your behaviour involves nonconsensual damage to others, especially children, I am unlikely to be sympathetic (to put it mildly). Anti-vaccination people are specifically included here as people who damage children.
* I love hugs and cuddles, but please don't touch me without asking.
* If I have a panic attack, please hang around. Afterwards I will probably go and hide somewhere for a bit, and then I probably won't cope too well with people talking to me.
* If I'm occupied with nothing but my phone in public, that's probably a way of hiding.
* I hate phone calls. I hate making them, and I hate receiving them. Text or email instead, unless it's urgent, or you've arranged it otherwise. (To my parents: yes, you count as having arranged otherwise. But I still prefer email.)
* My pronouns are they/them, though zie/zir is fine too, and other pronouns are all right where I'm not out as genderqueer. If you get it wrong, that's fine. But don't get it wrong on purpose.
* Do not shout at me. Ever.
* I like reconciliation. If we were friends in the past, I probably want to be friends again. There are a very few exceptions, but you know who you are.
* I like vegetarian food, but I'll eat some kinds of meat if that's all that's available. I'm allergic to uncooked egg (and this includes scrambled eggs, for some reason). Eggs in things like cake are fine. Actually, cake is lovely in general.
* I have a bad habit of avoiding dealing with things I don't know how to handle, especially emails I don't know how to answer. In particular, I love getting fanmail, but I'm rather bad at answering it. I'm really sorry: I'm working on it. I do read it all, and it does make me happy, and I love you all.
* Please don't assume I can pick up on hints, or flirting, or that I know any particular social conventions about conversations; please be explicit. If there's something you can't or don't want to talk about, I will pick it up and worry about it if you lie about the things round the edges in inconsistent ways. I really like it when people talk to me about how they want to talk to me and how I want to talk to them.
* I'll try to add trigger warnings to posts and pictures. Again, if I get it wrong, let me know.
* I have triggers of my own. I may have to leave a conversation because of them. It's a PTSD thing.
* Reciting poetry and singing and scripting/echolalia are coping habits.
* I apologise too much. I'm working on it.

Did I miss anything? Questions and comments and suggestions are welcome.

This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/330693.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

10/19/16 07:14 pm - Please, talk about masturbation

[I commented this in a discussion about the "birds and the bees" talk. I think it's worth posting separately.] Please, talk about masturbation too, and don't wait until puberty. Here's a (very personal) story I've never told in full before. I discovered masturbation when I was about ten, before I started puberty. Nobody had talked about it, so I didn't know it was normal; I didn't even know there was a word for it. So I worried. About a year later I started puberty and of course I became able to ejaculate. And again, nobody had talked about that. They'd mentioned wet dreams, but never this. So I didn't know it was normal, and I worried. A few months later, I got what I now think was some kind of fungal skin infection. The skin where my pubic hair would soon be growing was alternately red and painful, or dry, cracked, and itchy. For all I knew, this was another weird side-effect of masturbation, like ejaculation. And since nobody had talked about the other stuff, I wasn't comfortable with asking anyone about it. So I put up with the discomfort for months. Even after my pubic hair grew, the rash was still visible and I remember deflecting questions in the changing-rooms after games lessons about whether it was a scar from an operation. All that worry and discomfort could have been avoided. Please, remember to talk about it. This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/380116.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

10/14/16 04:30 pm - fan art: Dream meets Elemental

fan art: Dream of the Endless meets Professor Elemental This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/379888.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

10/14/16 04:28 pm - Deaf/HoH symbol in Unicode

Question for [dD]eaf folk reading (forwarding is encouraged):

I’m working on a proposal to add the standard deaf/HoH symbol to Unicode. I’m looking particularly for examples of its use in running text as a character, as in this mocked-up text:

Can you help me find any? (All contributions used will be acknowledged in the submitted change request, of course.)

This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/379454.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

10/11/16 11:53 am - leaked audio

"If audio of your private convo leaked, what would it say?"

things I have said in private conversations recently:

  • "You know elephants? I read that they sing. I wonder what they sing about. Next time I meet one I'll play it music. Elephants are cool."
  • "So yeah, when I go to planning meetings they talk about the low-hanging fruit, the easy stuff, but it wouldn't be easy if I was a giraffe."
  • "Oh hey, there's a town called Makasar in Turkey. If I took an antimacassar there, they would both vanish. You're probably not allowed to."
  • "What if I put helium balloons in the wheelie bin? I think it would be a nice surprise for the dustmen when they opened the lid."
  • "And actually I was going to find a bin saying LITTER on it in town, and fill it with glitter, and add a G in front, but then I didn't."
  • "People have fish tanks but they never have duck tanks, why not?"
  • "It would be awesome to have a pet elk. They have beautiful antlers. I think you would need a litter tray the size of the kitchen."
This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/379279.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

10/8/16 02:57 pm - Self-doubt

New video, by me: In a 1973 BBC interview, Sir John Betjeman said, "I never can believe that I'm any good at all." He was poet laureate of the UK at the time.

This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/379027.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

9/14/16 04:48 pm - Miniver Cheevy

by Edwin Arlington Robinson

Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn,
Grew lean while he assailed the seasons;
He wept that he was ever born,
And he had reasons.

Miniver loved the days of old
When swords were bright and steeds were prancing;
The vision of a warrior bold
Would set him dancing.

Miniver sighed for what was not,
And dreamed, and rested from his labors;
He dreamed of Thebes and Camelot,
And Priam’s neighbors.

Miniver mourned the ripe renown
That made so many a name so fragrant;
He mourned Romance, now on the town,
And Art, a vagrant.

Miniver loved the Medici,
Albeit he had never seen one;
He would have sinned incessantly
Could he have been one.

Miniver cursed the commonplace
And eyed a khaki suit with loathing;
He missed the mediæval grace
Of iron clothing.

Miniver scorned the gold he sought,
But sore annoyed was he without it;
Miniver thought, and thought, and thought,
And thought about it.

Miniver Cheevy, born too late,
Scratched his head and kept on thinking;
Miniver coughed, and called it fate,
And kept on drinking.

This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/378310.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

9/13/16 09:43 pm - counselling

[suicide mention]

In counselling today we started going over the timeline of my life I drew up. We only got up to the start of sixth form, and about my early suicidal ideation, and how I set myself free by giving up having ambitions. We'll carry on next time, which means we're five sessions in and still haven't finished talking about why I'm there!

This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/377903.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

9/12/16 06:32 pm - Alcoholic hat

In a waiting room. Marn is wandering around listening to music.

Woman in top hat: (something)
Marn (removes headphones) Sorry?
W: I said, hi!
M: Oh! Hi. Awesome hat, by the way.
W: Alcoholic.
M: Your hat is alcoholic?
W: No, me. I've been in jail. I have DTs.
M: Oh, I'm sorry.
W: Don't be. It's a self-inflicted injury.
M: (randomly) Well, what isn't, in the end?
(W smiles and wanders off while M is still considering whether all injuries are self-inflicted by virtue of the will to live)

UPDATE: W returned and started telling me her life story. She says I'm goodlooking and that she'd go out with me. She also showed me several of her tattoos. On enquiring as to whether I'm unattached, she looked crestfallen, and then said that if that ever changes I should contact her. She appears to be entirely serious. During part of the story about school bullying she abruptly got up and went outside to smoke, leaving me to look after her bag. When I had to leave, she hadn't returned, and I couldn't find her outside, so I handed in the bag at reception. Reception said yes, they knew her quite well.

This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/377683.html. Please comment there using OpenID.

9/8/16 01:35 pm - dentist talk

[teeth, dentistry, violence]

I have a wonderfully chatty dentist. Recently we have discussed:
1) the problems of being a dentist in Pakistan. Apparently some people's first resort for toothache is an amateur tooth puller. If you're his first patient of the day, you have to wait until the second patient turns up. Then the second patient holds the first patient down, while the tooth puller attaches string to your tooth and pulls very hard. When most of the tooth is removed, the first patient gets up and punches the second patient for holding him down. After all this, the dentist has to fix all the damage.

2) the political situation in Burma, and why the news here doesn't report it much, and how come westerners think Buddhists are never politically violent.

3) why Camden, New Jersey is such a terrifying place.

This entry was originally posted at http://marnanel.dreamwidth.org/377384.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
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